The Truth About Toys

As a parent with two small children, on the eve of the rampantly commercialized consumer frenzy that will be the Holiday Season of 2017, I feel the uncontrollable urge to voice an opinion that I think most parents of small children are too afraid to say out loud (for fear of being labeled as “bad parents” by a society obsessed with the accumulation of things, I suppose) and to bring to light a serious cultural problem that I think needs to be urgently addressed. These two issues are one in the same and they have to do specifically and generally with toys. Here is the truth about toys: children don’t need them and parents hate them.

Sure, children want the toys that are advertised to them; they can’t help but want them. Children are brainwashed into wanting toys by highly skilled advertisers who use every trick in the book to manipulate children’s defenseless little brains into needing whatever toy is being sold. But as any parent will tell you, the novelty of a new toy doesn’t last long, and once that novelty has worn off, the child promptly forgets about the toy. Inevitably, the toy ends up at the bottom of a box, under the couch, or shoved in the back of a closet, and, before long, the toy is forgotten completely. In the end, the few minutes that the child played with the toy hardly justifies the price of that toy - a price that few toy buyers take into consideration.

The most obvious cost of the toy is the sticker price. This is money that comes directly out of the buyer’s pocket. But what about the environmental cost of producing the toy (which is most likely made of some form of plastic)? What about the cost of shipping the toy thousands upon thousands of miles (chances are good that the toy was made in China). Then there’s the cost to the American economy of purchasing a toy made by low wage labor in a developing country; the cost of jobs lost, taxes not paid, wealth being exported from our liberal democracy to an authoritarian communist country. And then, once the toy has been played with and discarded, there is the bonus environmental cost associated with the toy, where it will sit in a landfill taking hundreds and hundreds of years to degrade.

But for some insane reason, despite the fact that children don’t need toys and parents hate them; despite the fact that the toys hurt our economy and our environment; despite the fact that our children all already have more toys than they could ever realistically play with; each and every Christmas, every birthday, and even on minor occasions such as Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and Easter, our children are bombarded with cheap toys and tchotchke, made, for the most part, in China. And all of this toy crazy consumerism is taking place in the face of rising nationalism, isolationism, and populism, all centered around a disdain for foreign-made goods and services. All the cultural and ethical signs say “stop spending your hard earned dollars on cheap plastic toys made in other countries,” but Americans keep spending and spending. Americans can’t stop accumulating massive amounts of shit, they can’t stop filling their lives with meaningless, useless garbage instead of meaningful experiences and achievements.

The quick and easy answer to this problem is to simply stop buying cheap plastic junk made in China and other states with questionable worker conditions. Americans need to stop the insanity of compulsively buying things that we don’t want or need. In the case of toys, everyone involved would be better off simply investing that money into a college savings plan, government bonds, the stock market, or even just sticking the money into a plain old savings account at the bank. If saving and investing is something that you are allergic to, then spend your money on either American made goods or on products manufactured in other first world countries. The higher cost of these goods will necessarily constrain the number of things purchased, and nudge you, the consumer, to be more considerate of the things they do decide to purchase.

I can already hear all the parents out there crying about the inhumanity of depriving their precious children of the joy of brand new, fresh off the boat toys from abroad. “My child needs toys!” or “Toys are imperative for healthy development!” Give me a fucking break. Children are incredibly intelligent, creative, and eager to express themselves - and they can do all of this WITHOUT TOYS. Give your kid a box and some markers. Give them some blankets. Give them paper and glue. Give them something that will prompt them to exercise their imaginations. Allow them to be children. Encourage them to make believe and create. Get off your phone for two seconds and actually interact with them.

The truth about toys is that they are draining the wealth from our country, funding the rise of authoritarianism abroad, impoverishing blue-collar American workers, playing to the most absurd and selfish whims of children, and providing literally nothing of value in our society. The truth about toys is that it’s easier to spend money on shit to distract your kids with than it is to give them your full attention. The truth about toys is that they are made by adults, bought by adults, and then quickly discarded by children. The truth about toys is that nobody needs them.
This holiday season, when you’re deciding which battery operated, wifi-enabled, pediatrician approved plastic piece of shit to buy for the children in your life, consider this: Every toy you buy, every dollar you send to China in exchange for a useless piece of plastic, is putting a bullet in a Chinese gun. In the future, when the Chinese start using those bullets, who do you think they’ll be aimed at?

It’s one of the shitty ironies of life that children grow up to fight and die in the wars that their parents created. When you’re buying toys for your kids this season, trading American wealth for Chinese-made instant gratification, keep in mind the fact that you’re destabilizing your own country and empowering a ruthless authoritarian dictatorship that despises American exceptionalism and will eat your children alive in order to sustain itself.

This holiday season, don’t give in. Don’t buy a bunch of cheap plastic shit made in China. Save your money. Invest your money. Buy products that were made in America. Or best of all, spend some quality time with your kids.